One thing I really relish about childhood innocence is their ability to socialize without fear, without walls, without filters and without past incidences affecting their desire to play together. I love that, and I have none of that.
My sister has the uncanny personality of being SO outgoing and making many friends despite, I'm sure the same type of prejudice I had to endure growing up in a largely non-Asian country. At that time anyways. But she's overcome that, and she makes it look so easy.
I on the other hand, feel as though with age, I shrink a little more and more away from people. You could say its my stage of life, or maybe the military lifestyle or perhaps my inability to forget the emotional scars racism has left. Whichever option, I need to get over it and learn to love who God made me to be. Be it shy, be it an introvert, or be it the fact that I speak toddler instead of adult. God loves me, so why is it so hard to see why He loves me so much that He chose me?
Gosh, I hate delving into my deep feelings and emotions. Ick! But every time I go to an event where I have to interact with people, I feel as though I don't have anything in common with them. I feel judged, which I know is all in my head because everyone I've meet in my married life has been more than welcoming. I just can't seem to let the past go. Like why a middle aged Maori guy would flip off a 7 year old just sitting in a car, I'll never know. I will never understand it, but I'll never forget it. I know I'm different and being a Christian doesn't make it any easier. Granted, I am not persecuted, if at all, to the extent other Christians in say, China or Egypt are. Although, there are things that make life hard in our "free" America, where everything under the sun is accepted except the Christian God. I'm not saying all people in America mind you.
So, I like a glass of wine or two once in a blue moon. There's nothing wrong with drinking, but I don't want to use that as a way to relax myself so I can be more social. I'm 31. I don't think I need to drink like a college student in order to be cool. Ugh, my morals and values. Man, sometimes they make me awkward in social situations.
I will always remember Mops in Oak Harbor, WA. They made that extra effort of asking us to push ourselves out of our own bubble and go invite a friend for a playdate. That's when my good friend Kami stepped up to the plate and invited me over for a playdate. Sweetest person ever and we get along so well and I miss her and her son so much. I miss our weekly playdates. I'd like to say it was all for the kids, but really it was for me. Without Kami, I think that deployment cycle would have been SO much more unbearable. So thank you MOPs and thank you Kami. Benton and Mia misses Bryce. ;-) So, needless to say, its hard to top a military community like that. Really tough, and another reason why its hard for me to make an effort here.
Alot on my mind, and alot to work on, to forget, to forgive and to cherish. It does make me who I am today, but I can also be more. I just gotta figure out how to squish all that in and make it work.
My sister has the uncanny personality of being SO outgoing and making many friends despite, I'm sure the same type of prejudice I had to endure growing up in a largely non-Asian country. At that time anyways. But she's overcome that, and she makes it look so easy.
I on the other hand, feel as though with age, I shrink a little more and more away from people. You could say its my stage of life, or maybe the military lifestyle or perhaps my inability to forget the emotional scars racism has left. Whichever option, I need to get over it and learn to love who God made me to be. Be it shy, be it an introvert, or be it the fact that I speak toddler instead of adult. God loves me, so why is it so hard to see why He loves me so much that He chose me?
Gosh, I hate delving into my deep feelings and emotions. Ick! But every time I go to an event where I have to interact with people, I feel as though I don't have anything in common with them. I feel judged, which I know is all in my head because everyone I've meet in my married life has been more than welcoming. I just can't seem to let the past go. Like why a middle aged Maori guy would flip off a 7 year old just sitting in a car, I'll never know. I will never understand it, but I'll never forget it. I know I'm different and being a Christian doesn't make it any easier. Granted, I am not persecuted, if at all, to the extent other Christians in say, China or Egypt are. Although, there are things that make life hard in our "free" America, where everything under the sun is accepted except the Christian God. I'm not saying all people in America mind you.
So, I like a glass of wine or two once in a blue moon. There's nothing wrong with drinking, but I don't want to use that as a way to relax myself so I can be more social. I'm 31. I don't think I need to drink like a college student in order to be cool. Ugh, my morals and values. Man, sometimes they make me awkward in social situations.
I will always remember Mops in Oak Harbor, WA. They made that extra effort of asking us to push ourselves out of our own bubble and go invite a friend for a playdate. That's when my good friend Kami stepped up to the plate and invited me over for a playdate. Sweetest person ever and we get along so well and I miss her and her son so much. I miss our weekly playdates. I'd like to say it was all for the kids, but really it was for me. Without Kami, I think that deployment cycle would have been SO much more unbearable. So thank you MOPs and thank you Kami. Benton and Mia misses Bryce. ;-) So, needless to say, its hard to top a military community like that. Really tough, and another reason why its hard for me to make an effort here.
Alot on my mind, and alot to work on, to forget, to forgive and to cherish. It does make me who I am today, but I can also be more. I just gotta figure out how to squish all that in and make it work.
Many times I regretted much for bringing you girls to New Zealand. At the time, I did not realize that the country was in a perpetual time warp. I still remember the time a kid riding home on his bike smacked you on the back as he rode by you. It was so unexpected and by the time I realized it, he was too far to be caught or yelled at. A coward if you ask me. I know ugly scenes like that has left a scar on you. But, you have to know that it is THEY who are the ones with the problem, not us. And because of that, we are much better than they are.
ReplyDeleteBut I always feel that through communication we can right things from wrong, most of the time. We have to try. There was a time when an electrician came to the house to fix an appliance. He was not happy when I opened the door and he saw that I am a Chinese. My accent on the phone had lied to him. Hey, I can't help it if I can speak like a Kiwi! But, anyways he was very rude in the beginning and then I got to talking to him and before he left, he was helping me with other stuff and he was so polite when I closed the door behind him. The thing that many people don't realize is that they cannot blame a whole race on one or two unhappy situations that they had experienced with other people. We are not all the same and I can tell you as well as you know that they are Chinese people out there who are very annoying and they deserve to be taught how to behave in other countries. As Agatha Christie's very famous detective Hercule Poirot who had to immigrate to the UK from Belgium would say to his fellow Belgians, " One should always remember that one is always a guest!"
I just want to let you know that I,too have experienced it so many times, in the states in the 70s and then in NZ, that you are not alone. But, it is good that you are trying not to dwell in the past. The past shapes us, but we don't have to be controlled by the past. I watch you from the side when I am with you. I know that you are doing superbly! Look around you ~ wonderful husband, sweet children, loving families from both ends. THAT is what is most important.
Put those ugliness behind you, preach the good!
I love you so very much, my dear!
Mumma
Oh I didn't even remember about that boy on the bike! Weird how some things stick in your head while others don't. That's a wonderful positive outlook mom and I have to remind myself that everyone goes through some type of discrimination. I'm very thankful with where I am and whom I am surrounded by. I just need to not assume everyones out to get me!
ReplyDeleteLove you mom!